Having just returned from the Hair Cuttery, the nice old Russian immigrant lady with the 35-year-old picture on her wall who was cutting my hair seemed to not understand me correctly and only shaved my two-week-old beard growth without shaving my mustache. Through many such accidents come golden opportunities. So I elected to leave the Hair Cuttery with a mustache so weak and patchy that it makes me look like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.

...Best decision ever.